How to create better conversations

QUESTION FOR CONSIDERATION:

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you didn’t like how you were being talked to?

Maybe feeling like the person you’re in a conversation with is talking down to you?

Or has anyone ever told you that they don’t like how you’re talking to them?

If so, today I want to offer some insight into what may be going on.

Not that my spouse and I would ever be in a disagreement – but if we were – I would find this model helpful 😉

Each of us carries around within us a part and a potential to communicate that is parent, adult, and child.

• Parent: authoritative, directive, bossy, protective
• Adult: objective, curious, problem-solving
• Child: intuitive, creative, spontaneous, joyous

Our conversations volley back and forth from one of the parts to another – and back.

We hear and respond as one of these parts.

As long as the communicating parts remain complementary, communication can flow in a way that is productive, respectful, and even fun.

When the child part in you is talking to and getting a response from the child part in me – we’re having fun.

When the adult part in me is talking to and getting a response from the adult part of you – we’re enjoying one another’s company.

And even when the parent part is talking to the other person’s child part – and their child part communicates in a complementary fashion – communication flows.

But when parts cross – the lines of communication are broken – feelings get hurt and people get mad.

When the parent part in you is talking at the child in me – and my adult part replies to the adult part in you – our wires are crossed and we have a breakdown in communication. We are “talking past” one another.

PUT THIS MINDSET INTO PRACTICE:

If you find yourself in a conversation with someone who is “talking down” to you – it’s their parent part coming through in an unproductive and unwanted way.

I have found it helpful in my marriage to define these communicating parts – and to recognize in myself what part of me is talking and responding to my spouse.

So next time you find yourself in a heated or uncomfortable exchange – how might it change things if you and your partner were able to use a model like this to clarify meaningful and productive communication?